best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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