yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
