A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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