More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize