Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
