i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
