TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
