I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
