Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
