I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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