We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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