She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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