their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
