i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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