this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
