OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
