The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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