Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
