So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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