The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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