Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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