someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
