I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
