I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
