Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
