dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
