'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
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