it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
