Please, let me fuck your mom
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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