this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
