That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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