I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
