I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
