watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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