So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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