Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
high people should be assigned attendants
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
