I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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