I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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