Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
