living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
