I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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