For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
