I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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