why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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