you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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