Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
