while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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