just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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