i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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