So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
