Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
