I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
