When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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