My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
