Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
