he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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