My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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