I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My feet surprised me
Randomize
